Oricouple

PREPARING FOR MARRIAGE

In Preparing for Marriage, I describe some of the most important ways that people can make themselves marriage material. I also explain how a couple can develop a negotiating style before marriage that will help them avoid most of the common pitfalls after marriage.

The letters in Choosing the Right One to Marry address common problems of dating couples. Because they are not yet married, I focus more attention on whether they are right for each other than I do on how to resolve the conflicts. The first letter is from a woman who thinks she is engaged but is having quite a bit of trouble with her “fiancee.” So much trouble, in fact, that she is not sure he is right for her, and I’m not either. The second letter comes from a woman who is interested in compatibility testing. I suggest a professional service that she can use, and I also offer her some of my own guidelines as to what to look for in a marriage partner. The third letter is from a woman who considers herself married to her boyfriend, but he’s left her. Are they now going through divorce?

A very high percentage of those who send me letters are either living together or have lived together before marriage. There has been extensive research on the subject of living together, and it all points to a startling conclusion: Living together before marriage seems to doom subsequent marriage. In my first Q&A column on the subject, Does Living Together Prepare You for Marriage? I try to explain why living together has such a disastrous effect on marriage.

Then, in What Is It Like to Be Married After Living Together I explain what a couple can do to save their marriage after having lived together first. These two Q&A columns are extremely important reading for couples who have ever lived together before marriage, or are contemplating living together.

There are many people meeting for the first time on the internet, and as I discussed earlier, there are an increasing number of internet affairs. But some of these relationships are between singles, and they sometimes lead to marriage. How do these internet marriages work out? Internet Marriage is a discussion of this recent phenomenon, along with some warnings and suggestions.

Is divorce the end of a marriage? Not necessarily. But how can you know for sure, and how can you let go if it’s really over? These questions are addressed in Should I Remarry My Ex-spouse? If Not, How Can I Just Let Go?

Preparing for marriage is less about planning the wedding and more about aligning your lives. The most actionable steps include mastering healthy conflict resolution, aligning on financial goals, evaluating medical compatibility (like genotypes), and attending formal pre-marital counseling.

1. The Foundations of Emotional Readiness

• Conflict Resolution: Learn how to fight fairly. Instead of assigning blame or shutting down, use “I” statements and actively listen to your partner.
• Self-Reflection: Understand your own triggers, bad habits, and emotional baggage before asking someone else to navigate them.
• Individual Wholeness: Cultivate your own hobbies, friendships, and purpose. A healthy marriage is a partnership of two whole individuals, not two halves trying to make a whole.

2. Practical and Financial Alignment

• Open Money Discussions: Be entirely transparent about your debts, assets, income, and spending habits. Decide whether you will have joint or separate bank accounts, and create a shared budget.
• Career and Domestic Division: Discuss your expectations regarding career ambitions and how you will divide household chores and responsibilities.

3. Medical and Background Checks

• Health and Wellness: Prioritize comprehensive health screenings. It is incredibly important to know your blood groups and genotypes (e.g., assessing sickle cell traits) prior to making long-term commitments.
• Family and In-Laws: Understand that marriage merges two extended families. Have honest discussions about boundaries, cultural expectations, and extended family involvement.

4. Shared Values and Beliefs

• Core Values: Discuss your fundamental beliefs on religion, politics, ethics, and child-rearing.
• Long-term Vision: Ensure you both want the same things out of life (e.g., where to live, whether to have children, lifestyle preferences).

Next Steps to Take Action

• Enroll in Pre-Marital Counseling: Reach out to a licensed therapist, religious leader, or community counselor. Counseling provides a safe space to unearth and navigate potential blind spots.
• Read Expert Literature: Consider reading relationship guides like The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (learn more about relationship tools on the  Gottman Institute ).
• Utilize Planning Tools: For wedding and lifestyle organization, explore wedding and relationship guides available on platforms like  Marriage.com .