20 Tips for a Healthy Relationship

If you think other people have love all figured out and you aren’t sure how to figure it out yourself, this episode is for you. I am sharing my personal 20 tips for curating, creating, and attracting epic love in your life whether you are single OR partnered! rather than judging, it makes the person in pain feel loved. Instead of blaming each other, try making adventures when small things go wrong. If you go out to eat and the food is horrible, focus on something other than the bad food. Focus on the fact you spent time together and simply agree to not return to the restaurant. Step outside your box and think of ways to make the ordinary adventurous. It is joyful to ask expansive questions when your person is talking. This is why it is important to hold space for each other to vent. I also invite you to get specific about what you need. The magic question is, “How can I best support you right now?” How can I best support you? might look like, “Want to make out?” “Would you make me a cup of tea?” “Would you snuggle with me on the couch?” Here’s the thing: if we do not ask this question or tell each other what we need, then we are guessing and likely getting it wrong. Besides “How can I best support you?” Vic also asks me, “Are we brainstorming? Do you just want to vent? Let me know what we are doing,” which helps avoid unasked for advice.

1: Mutual Respect + Protection

Someone in the union acting disrespectfully to the other person is a problem to be addressed. Healthy love requires mutual respect and protection because we cannot create a safe and sacred space without it.

2: Communicate Honestly + Authentically

Honest communication uplevels the intimacy in a relationship and build it up If you weren’t taught how to communicate honestly, do not worry- it is a language you can learn and I am into teaching up.u all about it. Check us out on out Facebook page oricouple or ticktok oricouple22. Please learn to talk to each other before bedtime it is essential and important.

3: Really Like Your Person

Loving someone and not liking them is ultimately unsatisfying. Focusing on your partner’s flaws or finding things to be annoyed by in the relationship can lead you down this road. If you are partnered, think back to what originally drew you to your person and write those things down. I remember how, at the beginning of my relationship with her, I wrote a letter by hand stating all the things I loved about her. It said things like, “I love that you only wear T-shirts and jeans. I love how soft your skin is. I love how you smell.” If you tend to find and focus on your partner’s flaws, curate a list like this as a reminder of the things you really like about them. It is a valuable practice and a muscle you can flex daily.

4: Create A Shared Couple’s Vision

Do you sit down with your partner to discuss your shared life vision together, or do you just let life happen? When I used to do couples counseling, I walked couples through the process of creating a shared vision together. It consists of sitting down and talking about what you both want in the next year or two. I recommend doing this at least once a year because people change and grow. For example, during the pandemic, Vic suggested changing our couple’s vision by adding geese and chicken to Crackpot Farm. This was not part of our ‘agreed upon’ plan, but I was happy to do it as long as Vic agreed to be the primary caretaker of those animals (which he did). Becoming backyard farmers changed our lives in a big way, though. There is more to stay home for and take care of. But it also brings Vic a lot of joy and is important to him. Having our shared couple’s vision allowed us the space to talk about it and bring it to life.

5: No Unasked For Advice or Criticism

Do not give unasked for advice or criticism. If you are an auto-advice giver, please try to resist. In my experience as a psychotherapist, most women just want to be heard. And from what I have seen, most men tend to want to ‘fix’ what they think is broken. ‘Fixing’ isn’t usually very satisfying for the person who just wants to be heard. This is why it is important to hold space for each other to vent. I also invite you to get specific about what you need. The magic question is, “How can I best support you right now?” How can I best support you? might look like, “Want to make out?” “Would you make me a cup of tea?” “Would you snuggle with me on the couch?” Here’s the thing: if we do not ask this question or tell each other what we need, then we are guessing and likely getting it wrong. We often project and take action from what we would want in a certain situation, but our partner is a different person who might have different needs. For example, you might prefer a hug after a rough day while your partner may prefer alone time. Besides “How can I best support you?” Vic also asks me, “Are we brainstorming? Do you just want to vent? Let me know what we are doing,” which helps avoid unasked for advice.

6: Value What The Other Person Wants For Themselves

In a healthy relationship, we value what the other person wants for themselves and become part of their solution to getting it.

7: Avoid Ownership, Jealousy + Punishing Behavior

Jealousy, feeling a sense of ownership over your partner, and punishing behavior are all damaging to a relationship. From a therapeutic perspective, always talk things out or act things out. Talking is way more effective. Acting it out does damage all around, and usually offers no resolution. Jealousy indicates insecurity. You do not own your partner and they do not own you. It is an honor and privilege to find someone to partner with. If jealousy is causing issues in your relationship, talk about feeling insecure, ask your partner for reassurance, or seek couples therapy.

8: Become An Active or A Good Listener

It is joyful to ask expansive questions when your person is talking. I love to ask her,, “Well, then what happened? And then what did they say? And then how did you feel? And then what did you do?” I want her to know she has my full attention when he is telling me something important, and she also has the floor. Meaning, I am not looking to turn the conversation around and make it about me. I was not good at this in my twenties. I was a wait-to-talker. I thought I was making a connection with the other person by saying, “Oh my gosh, something similar happened to me, too!” I did not think relating to someone’s story was self-centered behavior, but my good intentions did not matter. If someone tells you a story and you bring it right back to yourself, the other person will likely not feel heard.

9: Take Responsibility For Your Health

You need to be willing to take responsibility for your mental and physical health because a lack of it affects your partner profoundly. 10: Have Fun and Have Sex Having fun means being silly and even unproductive. Go for adventures and take rides together. It is also important to prioritize sex and find a way to stay sexually interested in each other. In my own relationship, I have found it important to prioritize a physical life together. This connection is the difference between being best friends and being in a romantic relationship.

10: Have Fun and Have Sex

Having fun means being silly and even unproductive. Go for adventures and take rides together. It is also important to prioritize sex and find a way to stay sexually interested in each other. In my own relationship, I have found it important to prioritize a physical life together. This connection is the difference between being best friends and being in a romantic relationship.

11: Try Not to Interrupt

Even if your partner is telling a story wrong, try not to interrupt. I laugh about this because there are times when i tells a story and I want to say, “That isn’t how it happened,” or I feel like i could make the story funnier. But I bite my tongue because it is none of my business. When he tells a story, I need to leave him alone and let him tell the story. 12: Be Flexible + Spontaneous Be flexible as much as possible and spontaneous at least some of the time. Shit happens. Sometimes things do not work out. Instead of blaming each other, try making adventures when small things go wrong. If you go out to eat and the food is horrible, focus on something other than the bad food. Focus on the fact you spent time together and simply agree to not return to the restaurant. Step outside your box and think of ways to make the ordinary adventurous.

13: Admit Mistakes Promptly + Apologize Often

In a healthy relationship, you need to be able to apologize and own your mistakes as well as graciously accept an apology. This normalizes being wrong and saying sorry, which is beneficial to the relationship. (I am talking about when you are genuinely in the wrong- not when someone is trying to manipulate you into thinking you are wrong.)

14: Be Polite

Say please when requesting something from your partner and thank you whenever your partner es something for you. This might sound weird, but it is too easy to take your person for granted. Being polite expresses appreciation for them and adds deposits into the well of goodwill. Having a reserve of goodwill makes weathering inevitable storms easier. Additionally, you know who does not work for you (unless they do)? Your partner. Vic does not work for me. Every kindness he extends to me, which is massive on a daily basis, is a gift. She makes the bed, he unloads the dishwasher, and I do the same. Whoever does it, the other person says, “Thanks for doing the laundry. Thanks for putting it away.” Treat each other with kindness, because a relationship (even if you are married!), is voluntary. We choose it every day.

15: Focus On What’s Right

Focus on what is right about your person rather than on what is wrong. It can be easy to think about the annoying things they do, but how about pointing out what they do right? Can you think of all the ways they make your life easier, or all the ways they add value?

16: Accept Shortcomings + Empathize

This goes along with the previous tip, but accepting the other person’s shortcomings to the best of your ability and empathizing with their pain is huge. You do not need to understand your person’s pain. You just have to care. If I am in pain, I don’t necessarily need Vic to fully get why. I just need him to care about my pain and want to be part of my solution. When someone is in pain and the other person says, “What can I do?” rather than judging, it makes the person in pain feel loved.

17: Celebrate

Life is short and fleeting. Celebrate everything. Teach yourselves how to celebrate each other.

18: Be Generous With Physical and Verbal Affection

Physical and verbal affection is important in most healthy relationships. Appreciate a nice butt in a pair of jeans. Hold hands. Wink at each other. Smile. Flirt. Being affectionate keeps you close. Don’t let it fall by the wayside. And if it has, bring it back!

19: Do Things Because It Will Make the Other Person Happy

I do a lot of things that I do not necessarily want to do. She does as well, and if you are in a lasting relationship, you likely make compromises, too. However, you have to do it with generosity and joy. Compromising and bean counting does not work, and it can fuel resentment.

20: Don’t Go To Bed Mad

Life is fragile. Don’t make it a habit to go to bed mad. Talk it out. Things happen. People die. If your partner got abducted in the middle of the night, would you be glad you ignored them instead of kissing them goodnight? Probably not. You are not guaranteed anything in this life. Every moment you have is a gift. Value it.